After struggling for a few years to get pregnant, we began our journey with fertility, and after finding out we were pregnant with twins, we were ecstatic. It was so exciting, and finally I thought things were falling into place. Fast forward to December, and it was the first ultrasound that I went to that I wasn’t afraid. I wasn’t sitting in the waiting room thinking negative thoughts because things were too good to be true. When the Doctor came in and told me that both heartbeats were gone, I thought at that moment that my life was over. I instantly felt empty. A few days later, when I delivered my sons, I stared at them in wonder at what I had created with my body, and I felt love that I didn’t know existed. Even though I knew I would leave the hospital and head home with empty arms, they made me a mother. The weeks and months following were the hardest time in my life. I wondered if I would ever have the opportunity to be a mom again, or if I even wanted to some days because I was so fearful of the same thing happening again. There were many nights when I cried myself to sleep, wondering why this would happen to us, and unable to get answers to my many questions. But there came a time when I didn’t cry every night, when the days got easier, when I could fathom saying their names without being broken all over again. A year later, my husband and I decided that we would try again, and after only one round, we found out that we were pregnant again! Losing Micah and Malachi was the most difficult thing that I have ever experienced in my life, but in order to cope with that lose, I had to tell myself that I am stronger than I have ever given myself credit for, and that If I can love like that, than I should try again. I had to believe that I deserve to be a mother. I gave birth to my son Emmett 15 days ago today, and he has changed my entire existence. When he grows up, he will know that he has two big brothers, and he will know that he is loved more then he can ever imagine!


I hope to teach my kids to be accepting first. I want my children to respect others for who they are and what they bring to our lives. I want them to understand that everyone is different and that that is okay, and know that everyone is worthy of their time and respect. I also want to teach my children to be honest. I want them to know that they can come to me with anything, and I want to be someone who can listen and be understanding, even when they present me with something that is difficult to hear or to understand. Hopefully I succeed with at least these two things and someday they can bring those qualities to their own children.